What men hate about women!

Since the beginning of time, men have been plagued with one weakness or another, some of which have been the cause of their downfall. For instance, Adam had Eve; the great Achilles had his Achilles; and Bill Clinton had Monica Lewinsky (and a propensity for Cuban cigars)! Then you have Superman’s weakness which, contrary to popular belief, isn’t a penchant for tights (or a compulsion to wear his chadi on the outside) but rather, Kryptonite. When exposed to the glowing green substance, Kal-el, of the planet Krypton, loses the ability to use his powers and immediately falls gravely ill. With this premise in mind, I started to ponder about the Desi Guy’s kryptonite with regard to the opposite sex. In lay-woman’s terms….what turns a Desi guy off when it comes to the opposite sex.
Ram Ram HAIR-e-ram

To many, this is an obvious turn off. However, its importance cannot be stressed enough. A girl may have a sexy walk, sultry voice, stunning figure, sensual lips, seductive eyes, but any hint of a muchi and you can forget it! Unfortunately to prevent such a scenario, women have to suffer through electrolysis, waxing treatments, sugaring, plucking and bristly hair caused by repeated shaving. So I’d like to take this opportunity to say cheers, we appreciate you staying ‘clean’.

What makes it worse is the wayward mentality of a few individuals out there. For instance, when I was a young‘un I was told that women are beautiful, hairless creatures and being an innocent child, I believed them. You can imagine the damage done to my psyche when I discovered women had hair all over, and not just in the obvious places! If you think that’s bad, I know kids who believed women had penises and, fortunately for them, some do! For more details, check out the Tenderloin District in downtown San Fransisco.

The ‘hair’ issue works both ways. Women find men with hairy backs repulsive and in the same way, men are turned off by hair in unexpected locations such as legs, arms, back, chin, top lip, butt….ugh!. So ladies…let the men sport the goatees while you don the Prada bag. For those that are wondering, ‘Unibrows’ and Ashanti style ‘Side Burners’ just wont do and nor will bleaching. You aren’t fooling anyone!

Stankonia

I was sitting in a car with a female friend when suddenly an odor whisked by my nostrils causing discomfort to my sinuses. At first I couldn’t place the scent, but as seconds passed, the stench grew more pungent and I realized it was one of my biggest fears, BODY ODOR! My mental DVD player immediately rewound to the start of the day and replayed the events. I let out a sigh of relief as I confirmed that I had used my deodorant. Still, the source of the pong remained a mystery until I realized it originated from the female I was with! Sadly, this wasn’t a one off situation, as a couple of meetings after that incident confirmed that she had a bit of a B.O. problem (and a friend concurred that he too could sniff the ghastly smell). As a good friend, I felt I should inform her about her predicament; however, other females suggested otherwise.

Ladies, you need to understand that men visualize you as sweet and pretty creatures. You stimulate all our senses, from our eyes with your beauty, our ears with your voice, our touch with your skin and our sense of smell with your scent. In our mind you’re a human flower that’s in constant bloom, so please stay that way. I understand a rose by any other name is still a rose; but if it smelt like a fart, you certainly wouldn’t want them by the dozen! We understand you can’t be perfect all the time, and Lord knows you need to get your sweat on, but don’t be stingy with the deodorant, body spray and perfume. On that note ladies, let’s keep it fresh!

Klingon

Men are human beings and we too enjoy attention and affection, but there is always a limit. Receiving 14 missed calls when you’re playing basketball with your friends is beyond that limit. Asking ‘why?’ repeatedly like a kindergarten child isn’t attention, and questioning our whereabouts and people we were with isn’t affection. There is a well-known phrase; “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”, so do yourself a favour and allow us the opportunity to miss you, to appreciate you and to think about you. Eventually we’ll run with our arms wide spread, through a field of daffodils screaming your name and that too with only two outfit changes.

Digger

Hong Kong, London, Spain, Philippines….they’re everywhere! They aren’t always easy to spot since they can transform into the sadhori sati savitri. Once they dig their claws in, all you can pray for is that you earn faster than they can spend. If a guy hears a girl is a Gold Digger, she is deleted from his mental rolodex immediately. All we can hope for with these women is that they realize there is a scarcity of quality men and learn to appreciate more than the almighty “bling!”

Gamer

Men always have to battle the stigma of being a “player”, however, I must protest that women are no different. A majority of women follow their own personal “good book”, otherwise know as “The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right” by Sherrie Shamoon & Ellen Fein. Now ladies, before you run off and order you own personal copy, please finish reading the rest and remember, this is a piece about “Turn Offs”.

This book guides the reader on how to trap a man and maintain his interest. Some of the suggestions are along the lines of;

• No conversation should last over four minutes. Time the conversation and end it once the four minutes is up. – What I want to know is: does the time spent on call waiting count too?
• Never return a call until he has left 3 messages¬ – So 3 messages is good, 4 messages is stalking?
• Never agree for a Saturday date if called after Wednesday night – So instead sit at home with tears in your eyes, fatty ice cream in your hand and Pretty Woman on the box? Good plan!

For the curious, other suggestions include; never meeting him halfway, training him to call early in the week and if you’re sitting watching television on a Friday night, keep the answering machine on in order to make men think you have a life.

A friend of mine tested out the methods, and I admit she not only got her man but by feeding him enough for him to know he was hungry, also kept him on his toes for a while; unfortunately, after dating for a long period of time, she eventually got played herself. Point is ladies; the only kind of guy a book like this will get you is one that responds to games. The review itself reads “The idea is to return to pre-feminist mind games, exploiting the male.” Even if you agree to play the game for eternity, just remember, everyone loses eventually. Just ask Lesley Cronin of Santa Monica who writes;

I tried the tricks in this book, and wound up messing up what could have been a really good thing. If you want to learn everything NOT to do – then read this book. It’s filled with all the games the guys see through, and it DOESN’T WORK!

My suggestion is if you want to play games, invest in a Nintendo. Want a quality guy? Be open, honest and straightforward.

I’m sure the men out there would like to list some other qualities that turn them off, and women that would like to know about them, but sadly, there is only so much allotted space. So to summarize, don’t suffocate, there is more to life than the mighty $$$, in playing games you’ll end up being the loser and like Outkast said, be sure to stay “so fresh and so clean-clean!”

Now who wants to wax my back?

About the author:

Born in Africa, Chandru grew up between Nigeria, India and the UK. With a Masters in International Business from the University of Westminster, he moved to New York where he worked as a Business Development Manager for three years. In 2002, he returned to Nigeria where he currently resides and runs a trading company. Chandru has been writing for Beyond Sindh (www.beyondsindh.com) since 2004 and has published numerous articles in the quarterly publication. His story entitled ‘The Love Letter’ won the Mirage Book short story contest and was published in an anthology titled Inner Voices in January 2009. His short story ‘Zero’ is scheduled to be published in the anthology Indian Voices towards the end of 2010.
 
In December 2009, Chandru’s first novel, ‘The Journey of Om’ was published in India by Cedar Books.
 
For more information on Chandru visit www.chandrubhojwani.com

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