The Value of Women’s Lives & dis-Honour-able Killings: What has changed since the Shafia trial?

As news of the Shafia killings spread, I wondered had we learned nothing from the 2007 murder of sixteen year old Aqsa Parvez? From what I understood from news reports, the Shafia sisters had spoken out at school, just as Aqsa Parvez did, to teachers and social workers, about the abuse and fear of being killed. Apparently, there was even a visit to the Shafia home by a social worker. But obviously the system put in place to protect girls and women brutally failed.

Like in the case of the Parvez family, it is too easy to blame one man or one family. The murder of women is just the next step in a long continuum of socially acceptable norms and mores that we do not challenge. The conversation we need to be having is about the full range of manifestations (intentional or unintentional) of patriarchy in all the various aspects of our lives. We have to start asking, are we doing enough in our Muslim communities to help girls and women thrive and flourish in every way possible? We must have the courage to have honest conversations amongst ourselves as a community.

In an article I wrote about the Parvez murder, I asked, how in the world would a man ever get such an idea that his daughter’s behaviour or dress is bringing dishonour and shame to his family? How did he come to believe that it was up to him to maintain the honour by killing her? Did he just imagine it up out of nowhere? He is a product of the social systems in which he lives, in which we all live.

I sat down with a few young Pakistani Muslim women living to talk about their experiences. Some of the women were born and raised in Canada, some were newcomers, some wore the hijab, some were students, some worked, some were married, but all were under thirty years of age. Of course this is not representative of all Muslims or all Pakistanis, but these are their experiences.

Going to the Mosque

Going to the mosque for women does not necessarily mean interaction with the Imam, unless they specifically seek this out or book a time to meet him after the prayers. Several young women noted that the sermons at the mosque hardly ever deal with real issues young women are facing such as bullying, harassment, relationships, pressures to get married, inter-religious and inter-racial marriages, pressures to have kids, differential treatment within the home, career challenges, the glass ceiling, equal division of housework, or self-fullment and reaching a state of self-actualization.

I asked one particular Muslim teenaged woman, “Are there women on the board of your mosque?” She replied, “There are one or two, but they are much older with grown kids who have left home. These women have a lot of time and are disconnected from the issues faced by young women like me.” Another woman said, “Sometimes I like going there on special occasions like Eid, where I can see friends and other families. But to tell you the truth, I hardly go there. If I want to pray, I would rather pray at home by myself. There is no middle-man required between me and God.” Another woman in her early twenties stated, “I don’t like going there, I feel like a piece of meat, that my entire being is a distraction to men, and that I must be as silent and invisible as possible, and that women are not as intelligent or capable as men are. I mean, outside the mosque men and women work together, eat together, sit on the bus together, but somehow inside the mosque, women’s bodies are thought of as symbols of sin.”

“The message is to serve”, said one woman, “but, women are already serving in every way they can. When will someone tell the men to serve their wives and fulfill their full roles within the home?” This is quite consistent with various studies that women of all cultures are socialized to be ‘givers’ and there is tremendous social pressure for women to conform to this ideal.

Power Dynamics within the Home

One of the issues raised by the young women was around family dynamics and power relationships within the home. One teenaged woman stated, “My mom has never worked, doesn’t speak English fluently and cannot really guide me. She just listens to whatever my dad says and my dad has no clue about women’s issues. In fact, she just validates the stereotype that I am trying not to become.” Another stated, “My mom cooks and cleans and talks to her friends on the phone. Other than that she has no interests, and is really not up to speed on current world affairs and what is happening out there. She has a very simple understanding of the role of education and career in my life, nor can she relate to my goals, of which marriage is last on my list.”

This quote is getting at what many of the women noted, that they didn’t have enough visible, influential and relevant older role models in their family and social environments. It also speaks to the issue of mothers being isolated and disempowered within their own homes. So if a conflict among the children or between daughters and fathers surfaces, the mothers are not in a position to intervene, deescalate it, or to provide direction and guidance as we often see in equitable two-parent households. The mothers in these cases may even act to worsen the conflict, feeling that if they don’t take their husband’s side, the husband may turn on them too. In addition, some of these mothers may have grown up with certain beliefs about a woman’s place in the home, and thus, they may not be open to changing family dynamics and may at many levels agree with the father’s controlling behaviour. Many are internally conflicted, were themselves married off at a young age, have never been encouraged to develop their own stance, and feel that they have no choice but to concede to the demands of their husbands. They may not have known any other way for women to be successfully married, and in cultures in which marriage is of high significance (economically and socially), the mothers may even feel the father’s power and control is doing their daughters a favour.

The women also discussed with me a very well-known but very much hidden issue, the responsibility placed on the son (meaning son’s wife) to live with and care for his elderly parents. While not representative of all families, this concept is experienced in many South Asian and Muslim households to varying degrees, overemphasized in some and less visible in others. We also see variations of this phenomenon in other cultures. This is where parents have been socialized to believe that their successful path into retirement is only through the marriage of their son to an “obedient woman who will mind the house and take care of his parents”, as one young woman put it.

The parents don’t want to ‘lose’ their son to a non-traditional girl, or to a girl from a different ethnicity or religion, as they believe that other cultures do not value parents in the same way. In order for them to succeed in their son marrying a girl of their choice, their focus becomes to keep him happy and feeling as if they have made tremendous sacrifices for him. Instead of the focus being on raising a mature and independent adult, their efforts are to give him whatever he wants and make the home as comfortable as possible to suit his needs and wants (even if these needs and wants compromise those of the women). In contrast, the family must present its daughters as “proper marriage material” as socially defined by their surrounding community. For many South Asian and Muslim families, this would mean that their daughters are seen as obedient, dependent, naive, domesticated, religious and selfless. Overall, the boys learn that the home is there to accommodate to them and girls learn that they must accommodate to the home.

For many families, they may not know how to interact with financially independent, outspoken and empowered women as equals, as they may only be used to women in subservient and dependent roles. Their own daughters may live double-lives in order to avoid conflict within the home, so this further shelters the family from the current realities of progressive women’s lives. Further to this, certainly many South Asian parents come from communal upbringings and the thought of aging alone in Canada can be very scary to them. It is understandable that they feel they have made many sacrifices, such as immigration, for the sake of their children, and many may remind their sons and daughters of this sacrifice on a regular basis. We also know that many elderly mothers went through a similar stressful process when they became daughter-in-laws, so they repeat the cycle now that they are finally experiencing some power within the home. Many mother-in-laws may not appreciate their daughter-in-laws being treated better than they were. In other cases, we know that fathers may not be fully involved in home life, leaving many middle-aged women feeling lonely, depressed, and isolated even within their own marriages. Depression is not commonly understood and the signs are often ignored. Many feel that having a daughter-in-law dedicated to the home, along with grandchildren, will solve their problems and fill the void. Again, the responsibility to solve the family’s problems rests on the young women.

The Need for Change

Another aspect to the issue is that we as a community have not unpacked and deconstructed the whole notion of “family values” which is what often defines the lives of women much more so than for men. We need to have more discussions to shift our understanding of the roles of women and what the elderly years can look like. For example, the young women suggested that we could be looking at retirement homes run by and for our own community and looking at making in-home care services more affordable and accessible. In addition, if we help change dynamics within the home, why is it that daughters and sons cannot together look after their own biological parents? Many women noted that even if the women are working outside of the home, they are still doing majority of the work and planning inside the home. From the perspective of the women, not much will change until men step up to the plate and take stronger roles within the home and in supporting the women in their lives in every way.

The needs of young women are rapidly changing, and are very different from their mothers and mother-in-laws. One young woman told me, “It seems that family values are really patriarchal values. When I get older, I would never want to make my son feel guilty or put the burden of taking care of me on him and his wife”. Another woman stated, “If I have a long career and a life outside of the home, I will not be so concerned with who my son marries, whether she can cook and how she dresses.” Yet another stated, “I want to have a full career, and I think my parents are supportive. If I have a career, I will have my own money and will not be dependent on my husband or my son in later years.”

It was clear from these conversations that the women were very carefully thinking through various intense competing demands and trying to negotiate the best outcomes for themselves. This was happening often with little resources and supports offered to them from their own families, their own communities, as well as, from mainstream school counsellors and community agencies. More efforts must be placed on listening to (and taking seriously) the concerns of young women, providing them the supports they require, as well as finding creative ways to implement their suggestions. Only then will we begin to see real change in the status of Muslim women and start to see a decline in abuse.

About the Author: 

Tahmena Bokhari is a college professor, social worker and social activist who is both Canadian and Pakistani.