There are in fact two things, science and opinion the former begets knowledge, the latter ignorance.
I have been more and more disturbed by what I’ve been reading lately. Women are expressing dissatisfaction with their sex life but seem to have no idea what to do about it. Some people slash experts are raising an alarm that pornography is leaving men with no sexual desire, but offer no rationale on any of the possible underlying causes. The bad news gets piled on top of bad news and it seems like there is a catastrophe of epic proportions before us.
Is this true?
Are men nothing more than testosterone fuelled sex machines? Like a bull, all you have to do is wave a red flag in front of their faces?
A microwave and a crockpot
This amusing metaphor for men and women succinctly sums up the traditional view of the two sexes and their different relationship to sex. Men are like microwaves; you push a button and they’re on. Women are like crockpots; they take time to warm up.
For as long as I can remember, as a man, I have had it pounded into my head that women need to be wined and dined. Take it slow, warm them up. In other words, I have to get them "in the mood". If I think about it, doesn’t that seem logical? Who wants to do anything if you’re not in the mood?
Recently though, I’ve begun to realise that the opposite doesn’t appear to be true. At least it’s not coming across as true as I would think.
Men are always ready, willing, and able. A woman doesn’t have to do anything. She doesn’t have to get a man "in the mood" because the assumption is that he’s always in the mood. Really? He’s always in the mood. Is it just me or is there something a tad curious about all this?
Women think that men are always ready and willing to have sex any time, any place.
On September 27, 2007, MSNBC ran a show called "The biggest sex mistakes men and women make" which starred the sex therapist Ian Kerner and sex author Tracey Cox. Obviously there are mistakes made by both sexes, but let’s focus on this one for the moment.
3. Women think that men are always ready and willing to have sex any time, any place.
Ian: No way. As relationships progress over time, women can’t assume that guys are Pavlovian dogs that want to have sex every time you ring the bell. The mental turn-on becomes more crucial than the physical turn-on, and sexual desire begins in the brain, not the groin.
Tracey: They do! And they get all upset if he doesn’t get an instant erection just by looking at her! It’s true that young men probably are ready, willing and able at any point, but once a guy moves into his 20s, the pressure mounts in other areas of his life, like career, and he’s as capable of getting distracted by life’s problems as she is!
What? Let me recap those points:
guys are not Pavlovian dogs
The mental turn-on becomes more crucial than the physical turn-on
sexual desire begins in the brain, not the groin.
[Women] get all upset if he doesn’t get an instant erection just by looking at her!
he’s as capable of getting distracted by life’s problems as she is!
[I stare at the ceiling thinking about this] Hmmm, maybe you turn on a microwave by pushing a button but first you have to plug it in? Okay, I’m trying to be funny by making a reference to that traditional view of microwave and crockpot but what Ian Kerner and Tracey Cox just said flies in the face of tradition. Guys need "to be warmed up" too?
2. Women don’t understand the extent to which performance anxieties, self-esteem issues and body-image issues all affect male sex drive.
Ian: Absolutely. Guys have many of the same issues as women when it comes to sex: feeling out of shape, unattractive, not wanting to be seen naked during sex. I worked with one guy who always had to rush to put on his boxers after sex and could never cuddle naked. His wife didn’t know what was going on. Turned out he felt very “smallish” after sex.
Also, when guys are stressed out about work/financial issues, it often leads to a shutdown of desire. In both men and women, low self-esteem equals low desire.
Tracey: Men aren’t robots. They’re humans and worry about the same stuff females do. Also there’s pressure on men to provide good sex to women. They expect a lot from men in bed these days, and often expect men to be mind readers, rather than tell them what they want. I’m not surprised men get anxious and their libido dips.
Tracey Cox: 15 ways to make him hard
Tracey Cox is a non fiction author specializing in books about dating, relationships and sex. She has also hosted several TV shows dealing with such topics. In my posting Sex Ed: Tracey Cox, I talk about the woman, her career, and her writings. I specifically touch upon the article "15 Ways to get him hard" she wrote for the magazine Cosmo in which she explains to women that if they want sex, here are 15 sure fire ways to get a man "in the mood". Each of the 15 ways is naughty obviously, but playful and potentially a lot of fun for both parties.
Guess what? I’m not going to say I’m some super stud Lothario with hundreds of notches on his belt, but I’m not exactly a virgin either. If I think back on my entire adult life as a sexually active adult, I can’t say that a single woman knew any of the techniques listed by Tracey Cox in her article. In other words, I was "in the mood" so I used the techniques I knew to get the woman "in the mood". However, I can’t say that any woman who may have been "in the mood" deliberately did anything to get me "in the mood". My conclusion is that I have always been the initiator of sex. My conclusion also is that if any woman wanted to initiate something, she didn’t know how.
I thought Redbook was, well, a tame magazine about cooking, home stuff. They cover sex? Who knew? In any case, look at the following articles.
The Sex-Starved Wife By Michele Weiner Davis
Jeff had become less and less interested in sex. When I asked his wife, Zoe, what had changed, she told me that before they had kids, sex was more spontaneous. Now they had to have planned sex dates, and that was a turnoff for Jeff. Then she said, "The only other thing I can think of is that in the past, I said dirty things when we had sex. I sent him emails with erotic messages. I stopped because I’ve been mad about his lack of interest in me sexually. Now that I think about it, he really used to get fired up when I talked dirty."
It became clear that by doing two simple things, Zoe could help heat their sex life up again. First, she could find ways to introduce spontaneity into their lovemaking. Without telling Jeff, she got her kids invited for sleepovers at friends’ houses. When he came home, she seduced him with lingerie and a sexy video. Zoe also used her sure fire passion-building technique of the past — talking dirty. Once she realized how well the old trick worked, it was easy to put aside her resentment for the sake of her sexual satisfaction.
Redbook – Apr 25/2011
Blow Him Away in Bed: Oral Sex Tips
Excerpted from Redbook’s 500 Sex Tips by Judy Dutton.
Think you know all the tricks to operate his joystick? Think again! Here’s how to use your tongue, lips, and, yes, even teeth on his prime real estate in ways you’ve never imagined.
[Aside: Seriously, does any woman know what the frenulum is? If you don’t, I can tell you that making a man orgasm is going to be about as hit and miss as a woman having an orgasm if the man doesn’t know what a clitoris is.]
Foreplay Tips: The Moves Men Love
Foreplay isn’t just a tepid warm-up; it’s where it’s at. When else can you devote 100% of your efforts to getting in tune with each other’s bodies and all but guarantee that what follows next will be more explosive than you’d ever imagined? Want to know what a man wants? Get foreplay tips, techniques, and ideas straight from the source! These illuminating insights from the mouths of men reveal the moves that get their erotic engines humming.
“Occasionally she’ll page me and send the message ‘I want to [bleep] tonight.’ I love getting playful, devilish little notes like this. It lets me know that she’s going to be ready and raring to go when I get home.” —Paul, 27
“One night my wife and I were out to dinner and we were sitting at a table, but she wouldn’t take off her coat. I asked her why and she said she couldn’t — and just stared at me. Turns out, all she was wearing was a trench coat and high heels. I couldn’t even eat; all I could think was, ‘This is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.’” —Tom, 31
A guy doesn’t have an erection. There has to be something physically wrong with him. He must be addicted to pornography. Oh my gawd, he’s gay!
Then again – and maybe I’m going out on a limb here – he might not be "in the mood". Gosh, if he’s "in the mood" and you’re not, it’s his job to get you "in the mood". On the other hand if he’s not "in the mood" and you’re "in the mood", isn’t it your job to get him "in the mood"? And if it’s your job, just how well do you know your job? By the way, lighting a scented a candle is not on "his" list of turn-ons.
I started this posting by saying that I have been more and more disturbed by what I’ve been reading lately. Men are NOT always ready, willing, and able. So, let me throw down the gauntlet. What are you going to do about it?
MSNBC – Sep 27/2007
The biggest sex mistakes men and women make by Ian Kerner and Tracey Cox
my blog: Sex Ed: Tracey Cox
Click HERE to read more from William Belle
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