At any given time, someone, somewhere, is mad on the Internet — this is a known fact. Today, that someone is us. Despite our immense love for connecting with you, dear readers, through the official R29 Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram (shameless plugs, deal with it), there comes a time when we get deeply annoyed with things that happen on these various platforms. If the Internet has an equivalent to road rage, this article is it — we’ll call it a blogging-rage blackout or, shorthand, a social media rant. Sit back, relax, and get ready to have your gears grinded. But, don’t blame us if your boss walks in on you pointing at your computer and shouting “Ugh! YES! I hate that!”
Over 140 characters. Twitter rule numero uno: Nothing witty or clever ever happens over 140 characters.
Using #blessed and meaning it. Not that you shouldn’t love your life. By all means, go for it. But, the Internet is supposed to be a place for red-eyed technology addicts to complain about things, not a forum for sharing your unbearable lightness of being.
Taking pictures of your gross-looking food. Before you snap, ask yourself: Is my food artisanal enough to Instagram? If it’s not, stop, and just consume. Yes, you are basically required by law to post brunch pictures on Instagram at some point, but if your poached eggs look more like a crime scene than a perfectly-plated work of culinary art, please refrain.
Just commenting “ha ha.” For God’s sake, at least use an LOL.
Don’t regularly invite your ex-high school acquaintances, who have since moved away, to your random party. They don’t want to come, and honestly, you probably don’t want ’em there, either.
No more “I lost my phone gimme your numberz!!!!” groups. Nobody wants your mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin to inadvertently get access to your digits, too.
Don’t Photoshop your Instagrams. Yes, you have every right to use your best pout-face and most flattering filters on Instagram…but, if your glamour shots have already been taken with a professional SLR and Photoshopped to perfection, it just makes the rest of us look bad. (See Rant #1)
Don’t regram. This isn’t Tumblr. Accept it.
Get a new face. If all your photos (on any channel) are just you doing the same duck pout with different scenic backgrounds, we’re going to assume your mug is actually stuck like that.
No #TBT on Friday. No #FF on Saturday. Some people just wanna watch the world burn.Don’t be one of them.
Don’t #FF the same people every week. Are you getting paid for this?
If it happened over ten minutes ago, don’t even BOTHER. A true social media consumer would live tweet their slip on the ice — just sayin’.
Don’t try to join the party when it’s already over. Just because you only discovered reaction. GIFs last week doesn’t mean you’re not beholden to the same standards of freshness as the rest of us.
Don’t ask people to RT. Unless , of course, you’re offering actual, monetary compensation.
Don’t ask people if they like your profile picture. This is the Internet, people will share whether you want the feedback or not.
Don’t wish someone a happy birthday on your own wall. This is their day, let them have the attention for once.
Don’t constantly post comments asking everyone to “check out your blog.” If you’ve been on The Sartorialist lately, you know this is apparently the only point of the comment section, and it’s a major drag.
Don’t threaten to delete a post if you don’t get enough likes. When it comes to validation, at least take the high road.
Proofread your rant. If you insist on making your Tumblr followers do something other than look at pretty pictures, at least make it coherent (and factually correct).
Don’t go all post-ironic on Internet slang. If you start saying “tonite,” “kewl,” or “wut r U ^ 2” as anything other than a joke, there’s a serious problem.
Stop talking about Illuminati. You will never reveal their secret, especially after those comments you made on literally every single Beyoncé/Jay-Z post on the entire Internet.
Why are you liking that hardly-friend’s Facebook photos at two in the morning? We get it, you’re #bored and #curious, but why call attention to your creepiness? They are going to get a restraining order against you.
Stop flaunting how bougie you are. Congratulations on your tenth Louis Vuitton bag, but this is getting old.
If you’re going to send hate mail on Tumblr, at least have the guts to show your face. Anon messages should be reserved for the worst kind of troll.
This is not your camera roll. Curate your Instagram, and only pick the best photos to post. We don’t need to see nine photos of you posing with your smoothie.
This is not Hotmail, circa 1998. Therefore, posts claiming you will be “kissed by the 1 u luv 2NITE if u repost this” will not be tolerated.
Enough already with the naked photos. We get it, you’re ridiculously chiseled and hot and perfect. But, do you do anything other than stand around in your underwear? Ever? At all?
Stop ranting about everything wrong with social media. Have you heard of “outside”? It’s nice. You should try it.
Illustrated by Isabelle Rancier.
Click HERE to read more from Refinery29.