This article was last updated on April 16, 2022
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Ah, Gwyneth Paltrow — she of flowing hair and crazy diets, of aerial yoga and perfect everything. She’s so wonderful and lovely and breezy it hurts, doesn’t it? Well, she knows that, and from time to time, she descends from on high to ease the pain in the form of a product collaboration between a chosen brand and her website, GOOP.
She’s done it with baby swimsuits and fancy cashmere, she’s even got two of her own cookbooks. But what about those of us with tastes that lean slightly more towards the low-brow? Don’t worry. Fake Gwyneth Paltrow, as imagined by R29, is here to help. These are the five Gwynnie collabs we would love to see — but don’t get your hopes up. It’snever happening.
“Since I was a child growing up in Great Britain (I swear I’m British), I loved visiting Cracker Barrel when my family and I traveled to America. This month only, you can enjoy Gwyneth’s Special Harvest-Roasted, Organic Free-Range Berries at select Cracker Barrel locations.”
Photo: Courtesy of Cracker Barrel; Jim Smeal/BEI Images.
“I know we’ve all grown so close since GOOP was born, and I wanted to expand this whimsical venture into the world of print media. The National Enquirer will be your new spot to get my latest recipes, motherhood tips, and opinions on the 330-pound alien walrus baby housing the reincarnated soul of Whitney Houston, birthed by a woman in Tennessee last week.”
Photo: Courtesy of The National Enquirer; Jim Smeal/BEI Images.
“I find red Solo cups to be incredibly passé, so when the heritage tableware brand approached me about a possible collaboration, I knew I had to begin my creative process with the iconic Jazz design. What comes next is a beautiful beverage-holder that is fulfilling to all of the senses.”
Photo: Courtesy of Solo Cup; Jim Smeal/BEI Images.
“After years of happy, hard work, I’m thrilled to announce the newest project to come out of my gleaming, Italian marble-tiled kitchen: Balls de fromage! All the icky powderiness you’ve grown to love remains, but the airy insides are now infused with my own breath, which I had bottled at a tiny farm in the Himalayas run entirely by sentient goats.”
Photo: Courtesy of Utz; Jim Smeal/BEI Images.
“God knows I look best with a sun-kissed glow on my cheeks, and that’s why I’m just absolutely over the moon to tell you all about my upcoming capsule collection with Hollister. As you know, the best part of shopping at Hollister is the overwhelming scent that washes over you and transports you to the vintage beaches of Southern California as soon as you step in the store…but now, everything from this online-only exclusive line will come doused in aged tears that spilled from my eyes when I learned that my child had consumed a non-organic baby carrot.”
Cardiff T-Shirt, $15, available at Hollister.
Photo: Jim Smeal/BEI Images
It’s okay, Gwyneth. You really are lovely, and while you may not be perfect, we just can’t get enough, somehow. You keep doing your thing. And if youdo find yourself in need of a contact at Cheese Balls’ headquarters, let us know.
Photo: Courtesy of The Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company; Jim Smeal/BEI Images.
Designed by Ammiel Mendoza
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