This article was last updated on June 18, 2022
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Shaunti Feldhahn may not be a name everyone knows but as an author, she has a number of titles to her name. However, she became a best-selling author with the 2004 book For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, which has apparently sold over 1 million copies in 15 different languages.
The genesis of this best seller came about as she was researching another book. In order to best portray the male protagonist, she interviewed a number of men which lead her to some observations about the male sex. She decided to continue with further meetings and ended up interviewing over one thousand men to research what men are thinking that women tend not to know. This became the basis of her best seller which attempts to present readers with insight into the inner lives of men and the challenges they face.
Ms. Feldman presents here a top ten list: 10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew about Men.
1. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.
Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.
2. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife.
When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.
3. Men are insecure.
Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.
4. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family.
Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.
5. Men want more sex.
Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.
6. Sex means more than sex.
When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!
7. Men struggle with visual temptation.
This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.
8. Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic.
True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?
9. Men care about their wife’s appearance.
This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.
10. Men want their wives to know how much they love them.
This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.
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Official web site: Shaunti Feldhahn
The book: For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men
What’s going on in a man’s mind? From their early days, every woman has struggled to understand why males behave the way they do. Even long-married women who think they understand men have only scratched the surface. Beneath a man’s rugged exterior is an even more rugged, unmapped terrain. What bestselling author Shaunti Feldhahn’s research reveals about the inner lives of men will open women’s eyes to what the men in their life–boyfriends, brothers, husbands, and sons–are really thinking and feeling. Men want to be understood, but they’re afraid to "freak out" the women they love by confessing what is happening inside their heads. This book will guide women in how to provide the loving support that modern men want and need.
The Truth About His Inner Life
He Desperately Wants You to Know
What’s going on in there? Ever been totally confused by something your man has said or done? Want to understand his secret desires and fears, his daily battles that you know nothing about?
In a woman-to-woman conversation you’ll never forget, Shaunti Feldhahn takes you beneath the surface into the inner lives of men. This book is about the things we just don’t ‘get’ about guys. With findings from a groundbreaking national survey and personal interviews of over one thousand men, For Women Only is full of eye-opening revelations you need to not only understand the man in your life, but to support and love him in the way he needs to be loved. Grounded in biblical hope, you will discover how to love your man for who he really is–not who you think he is.
Story Behind the Book
I had no idea how clueless I was about men until I interviewed a bunch of them for my last novel. Initially, I just wanted a little insight so I could write my main (male) character. But pretty soon I found myself astonished, over and over again blurting out, "That’s what you’re thinking?" So I did more interviews. After the novel hit shelves, dozens of women told me they also had been astonished by what I included. Clearly I wasn’t the only one who needed more insight on this!
To lay the groundwork for this nonfiction book, I wrote out the half-dozen things from these interviews that had most surprised me–things that appeared to be universal to most men–that women desperately needed to know. I conducted a professional national survey of men to test my findings. Yep–the survey substantiated every single one. These findings are fascinating–and they have already changed my life and marriage. I can’t wait to share them!
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