Today, on 24th April 2010, we have a new addition to the list, courtesy of Mrs. Chandru Bhojwani. The language of the Appetite! The Language of the Appetite, otherwise known as LOTA in professional circles, is one that requires an almost gifted ability to read between the lines. As I continue to familiarise myself in the exclusive tongue of LOTA, I realised that it takes a great deal of ‘on the job’ training. Allow me to illustrate.
I had a late meeting the other night at Mosche and before leaving, I picked up one of my wife’s favourite sins, an apple crumble pie! Yumm! I reached home, cracked open the door and found my wife was fast asleep with her head in between two pillows, forming her usual little cave like atmosphere. I placed the bag with the pie inside on the bedside table beside her, knelt on the floor and peaked through the gap between the two pillows to see if she was awake. I whispered her name a few times until she finally woke up. I asked her if she wanted her pie and in her groggy state she mumbled something barely audible. I asked once more and she nodded. Being a good husband, I went in to the kitchen to get a spoon but couldn’t find one. I returned two minutes later, pushed the door open and said;
‘Babe, I couldn’t find a….’
The site in front of me had me frozen! I couldn’t even finish my sentence. My little wife was sitting up, munching away on the cold apple crumble pie with her bare hands. She turned and looked up at me and smiled as crumble covered her lips, chin, pyjamas and bed sheet! This is LOTA!
That incident prepared me for today. While I was out running errands in the sweltering Mumbai heat and trying to dodge the abundance of eunuchs that ambush you at every traffic light, my wife called me with instructions.
‘Why don’t you pick up your brown bread and your coffee since you’ve been craving it. But, whatever you do, don’t get me the blueberry muffin!’
Confused at the oddity of her call, I asked.
‘You called to tell me to not get you a muffin?’
‘Yes. Don’t get a muffin. If you get it, I’ll eat it and I don’t want to eat it. I don’t want to put on weight.’
‘So no muffin?’ I confirmed.
I arrived at Coffee Bean and ordered my regular ultimate vanilla along with a couple of other items for dad and the home. When I got back to the flat and sat down, my little wife stood opposite me with hands on hips in her pink t-shirt and jeans and asked me;
‘Did you bring me a blueberry muffin?’
I couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurd nature of the question.
‘No, you told me not to get you one.’ I responded as any sane person would.
‘I know,’ she pouted and yes, she did very much pout! ‘But still…’
‘But still what?’
‘Never mind.’ She sulked and sat across from me.
‘Did you want a muffin?’
With puppy dog eyes and a sad face, she nodded. I smiled and gestured toward the brown bag on the table’
‘No way!’ she jumped up.
Like a child on Christmas morning, she ran to the bag and picked it up. Leaning forward, she peeked inside and found a blueberry muffin. Snapping upright as she turned to me, she asked with a big grin.
Parting the bag open again, she reached in, took out the muffin and vanished. I caught a glimpse of her later, munching on the muffin ignorant of her surroundings and lost in the moment.
Sitting back, I let out a sigh of relief for on this instance, I understood the Language of the Appetite and avoided a night of listening to grumbling about the muffin that never came!
Marriage Tip 6:
Welcome to my Muffin life!